My Crushed Dreams

I always thought that being a teenager was going to be some type of dream out of a movie. That I would be a kid and would be able to have fun, and I would have a cool group of friends to laugh and talk with, we would do rebellious things but still have fun. We would have amazing adventures. We would look at the sunset over a city and have beautiful moments, go on romantic car rides, open the window and see the blue sky on a sunny day and bop our heads to rock music and have the time of our lives. I would be a semi-emo girl who listened to cool music and wore chokers and cool clothing styles. But it never actually happened. And I was crushed by that. I'm still not totally over it.

The only thing that really happened to me as a teenager was that I went to school, did orchestra activities, and studied almost all weekend. Trust me, I wanted to have friends. I had such an imagination to do things and experience things but no one at school really felt the same as I did and I couldn't find anyone to understand me and to connect well with me. I felt so bored and alone. I had all this energy and magic and side of me waiting to be released and experienced, but the world never gave me the chance to achieve it. I wanted a friend to love. I wanted love from them. It was all a dream.

I spent hours in my bedroom wondering why this was happening to me. Why I felt this aching dropping feeling of loneliness and lack. A natural social need for all humans; to be loved and socially connected. It left a permanent mark on me to be lonely for so many years.

I don't know why I thought it would be so amazing or where this all came from. For some reason I really thought something amazing would happen. Exploring the woods, playing around, having a boy like me and I like him back, and going on adventures late at night. Being silly. It's all a dream. I hate getting my hopes up too high. I realized that it's less painful to accept the reality and the fact that it isn't my fault what happened to me. I can't control what town I grow up in and what things I go through. I can't control what generation I was born into. And to be honest, just because I think this would have happened if I had been lucky, I probably would have gone through the same teenage shit that people go through, like losing friends, getting my heart broken, being used or lied to, being gossiped by. Life isn't cool sometimes.

It helps to take the weight off your shoulders of your circumstances. You can do all you can to try to manipulate a situation, but this can only go so far. It will only help you to try to realize that certain things can't be changed, and that you have to accept things. It's not in your control, and you shouldn't feel burdened with something that isn't your fault. You deserve better than being sad. And although it's normal to feel that way, I want you to try to be happy with what is good in your life. Sometimes things don't go your way, but just understand that you are an amazing person who can find other things to do to try to be happy. There's so much out there for you that you can't even see yet. So many miracles. You're so young and you can't see all the amazing things that will happen in the future. Look forward to it.

Go do something fun that will relax you like a movie, trip, or song that you like. Meet a new friend. Eat some ice cream. Or french fries. :)

I love you, and you'll be okay. <3

Your friend,
Julia 💖