Feeling Unwanted and Not Good Enough (Masin Smith)

It's crazy how easy it is to feel like you are alone and unwanted. I just watched a video about a boy named Masin Smith who ran away from home. He had depression and his dad was very controlling by turning off the internet in the house so he couldn't watch anime like he wanted to. He was a mama's boy and loved his mother very much. They were good friends. One night his dad got very controlling and even though he did what they wanted him to and got good grades, he got mad at him for using the internet at night. He couldn't take it anymore and just ran away somewhere. I really feel what he feels sometimes, a deep feeling of rejection and not fitting in, of not being understood. Something missing. And not really being able to enjoy things in life as much as I would like to. Not having friends, or at least a close friend to relate with. I feel like with my dad being verbally abusive and from being left out for years at school, I felt the same way. And life just hasn't been exciting enough for me. I feel like I have so much to offer but I have been painfully excruciatingly underrated and my visions have been crushed. It seems that it doesn't matter how many amazing qualities you have; you just aren't accepted as long as you don't fit in. It doesn't matter if you try to see yourself in a certain way; the identity that has always been there is still stuck in your mind as well as your whole being. You are defined by how the world treats you, and it's very very hard to get unstuck from this. You want to be something more than what you are; maybe that's why I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy being a teenager. Things were way too mundane with so much restriction.

It's strange how I thought by now all my feelings of feeling good enough were here. But thinking about this story makes me realize that I actually don't feel appreciated enough by other people. I even compared myself to Masin... he's so handsome and wonderful and he is getting a lot of attention and is easy to like. But then again, he has felt he** and has definitely not felt the way I am describing right here that I want to feel. I still feel like there is a hole that isn't filled. I feel alone. Like other people don't see me or appreciate me. I know some people do; family members, old teachers, some friends. But some people who are in my family and peers have treated me like total crap. And how am I supposed to feel good if other people treat me badly? That's how I am defined in that environment. In my own environment in my mind, though, things are different. I'm a princess. I am perfect and amazing. But sometimes in the real world, I am not a princess anymore.

I have to get rid of the definition that I have created in my mind of who I am. I have to see myself without a view from other people... but how can I if humans naturally interact with the world?

Maybe this is how Masin felt. That he wasn't good enough. He couldn't feel good enough because of all the lack of connection he went through. He was bullied for his speech problems. And he had other things going on that took control of him. He didn't deserve it. He was a beautiful person. He was nice.     

From a loner girl to a loner boy: 💓