Being Vulnerable

I've realized in life how important it is to be vulnerable in life. It let's you be human and to show the most sensitive sides of yourself. In my experiences of being vulnerable, I honestly felt like I was exposing myself to possible judgment from other people that there was something bad about me and I felt like I might lose friends. Well, its okay because making yourself vulnerable allows you to be your genuine self and to connect to your real self. It makes you respect yourself and love yourself for who you are. It allows you to trade making a fool out of yourself for actually feeling like an amazing person the way you are. It doesn't matter what people think. It's okay if you are sensitive to it, trust me I worry sometimes about it. But it helps people connect more as a human being with feelings if they understand that other people feel the same pain that they do, and have the same human "flaws" as them. It helps relieve so much of the burden. Making yourself look less perfect than you really are allows you to get along with other people on a more heart felt level, and to have a more loving close real connection with other people. It helps relieve you because you relate to other people and can really connect with them on a deeper level.

Remember, its okay to show your dark side. There's no reason to try to hide it. I have felt upset because it has seemed like no one else expresses themselves as much as me. But I realize maybe they are too scared to expose their insecurities to other people. It's amazing to be able to show your "flaws" and break the bounds of society. Break the bounds of society!!! It makes you so much of a superhero that you don't care what other people think. It makes you original. And strong. You honor yourself.

Feeling Unwanted and Not Good Enough (Masin Smith)

It's crazy how easy it is to feel like you are alone and unwanted. I just watched a video about a boy named Masin Smith who ran away from home. He had depression and his dad was very controlling by turning off the internet in the house so he couldn't watch anime like he wanted to. He was a mama's boy and loved his mother very much. They were good friends. One night his dad got very controlling and even though he did what they wanted him to and got good grades, he got mad at him for using the internet at night. He couldn't take it anymore and just ran away somewhere. I really feel what he feels sometimes, a deep feeling of rejection and not fitting in, of not being understood. Something missing. And not really being able to enjoy things in life as much as I would like to. Not having friends, or at least a close friend to relate with. I feel like with my dad being verbally abusive and from being left out for years at school, I felt the same way. And life just hasn't been exciting enough for me. I feel like I have so much to offer but I have been painfully excruciatingly underrated and my visions have been crushed. It seems that it doesn't matter how many amazing qualities you have; you just aren't accepted as long as you don't fit in. It doesn't matter if you try to see yourself in a certain way; the identity that has always been there is still stuck in your mind as well as your whole being. You are defined by how the world treats you, and it's very very hard to get unstuck from this. You want to be something more than what you are; maybe that's why I felt like I wasn't able to enjoy being a teenager. Things were way too mundane with so much restriction.

It's strange how I thought by now all my feelings of feeling good enough were here. But thinking about this story makes me realize that I actually don't feel appreciated enough by other people. I even compared myself to Masin... he's so handsome and wonderful and he is getting a lot of attention and is easy to like. But then again, he has felt he** and has definitely not felt the way I am describing right here that I want to feel. I still feel like there is a hole that isn't filled. I feel alone. Like other people don't see me or appreciate me. I know some people do; family members, old teachers, some friends. But some people who are in my family and peers have treated me like total crap. And how am I supposed to feel good if other people treat me badly? That's how I am defined in that environment. In my own environment in my mind, though, things are different. I'm a princess. I am perfect and amazing. But sometimes in the real world, I am not a princess anymore.

I have to get rid of the definition that I have created in my mind of who I am. I have to see myself without a view from other people... but how can I if humans naturally interact with the world?

Maybe this is how Masin felt. That he wasn't good enough. He couldn't feel good enough because of all the lack of connection he went through. He was bullied for his speech problems. And he had other things going on that took control of him. He didn't deserve it. He was a beautiful person. He was nice.     

From a loner girl to a loner boy: 💓

Soul Friend

I think it might be strange that I don't have someone to call my best friend or close friend. Someone that I feel can comfort me with anything and that I feel closely bonded to. That understands me. I feel like that's supposed to have happened or supposed to be a thing in my life. But I guess maybe things like that are very rare. What are the chances that you'll find that person that you can tell everything to and who knows what to say to help you feel better?

I feel so sad and alone sometimes, when I'm hurt and want to be comforted but there doesn't seem to be anyone who can comfort me or get the pain away totally. Someone being there is enough to make the pain 99% more tolerable.

I reach out to people who are my friends, but it feels like I'm still longing for something else. I know the friends I have now will come and go.

Here is a quote from Eggshell Therapy about intense people like me and you about always having wanted and needed something more to fill the hole in your soul:

"Just as in childhood, intense people feel alone in the world. As you are wired differently, true peers have always been hard to come by. You have a lifelong yearning for a soulmate. A romantic partner may seem like an ‘obvious’ answer to the gaping hole in your soul, but the reality might leave you disappointed. Even if you had met someone or made a friend with whom you have a reciprocal connection, you find yourself outgrowing them. The best scenario would be to have a committed partner who can grow with you, but not all of us are fortunate enough to have found such a person."


I love this because it makes me feel less alone. It makes me feel understood. 

Trust Yourself (but still consider outside advice)

One thing that I think is important to remember is that you have the power to trust yourself and find truth from inside of you. Sometimes people tell you what is right, but it really isn't always the case. In certain cases maybe someone may be stuck in a certain way of thinking that they will eventually get out of, like a teenager who is stuck looking at things from an emotional naive point of view. But then again, they are experiencing the world as a teenager, so they will be most happy and things will be more congruent if they live from their point of view as their age. Sure their parents don't want them to get hurt, but at the same time, what if the child is an individual with their own thoughts and feelings and ways of viewing things? What if they are willing to make themselves vulnerable because they realize that they want something badly? Sometimes it is much better to trust yourself then to be guided by outside forces. Trust me.

Scared of Time

I'll admit, I am always aware of time and how fast it goes by. I'm scared to not be seen as a "kid" anymore. I'm always aware of my hands looking like an adult's or my face looking less like a baby. I know I am still young, but I deal with anxiety about not enjoying my youth. Especially when life just always feels so monotonous, and I have all these expectations. And I get stuck in the rut of life. I didn't feel young as a teenager. I tried to enjoy it the best I could in the beginning of college, and looking back I see it as it was, I guess I wish I was happier. Hopefully at the end of my life, I won't regret anything. I really hope I won't. I just was trying to be an 18 year old kid looking at life in the eyes of a young person and having a teenage moment listening to Boston wearing my varsity sweatshirt and looking at the big blue sky. I was sad though, and going through something, I just hope I get over it. I don't like life being so real when I create this ideal in my head and get so emotional. I just want to feel safe. But I feel so scared. Help me.

Time goes by too fast. I keep holding onto something that is slipping away. I'm sorry but I can't help it from bothering me. I just care. Other people can't understand me because they don't experience life in the way that I do.

Our Songs

 My Chemical Romance:

• Sleep
• Welcome to the Black Parade
• I'm Not Okay
• Cancer
• The World is Ugly
• Disenchanted
• The End/Dead

Green Day:

• Wake Me Up When September Ends

The Cure:

• Boys Don't Cry
• Pictures of You

My Crushed Dreams

I always thought that being a teenager was going to be some type of dream out of a movie. That I would be a kid and would be able to have fun, and I would have a cool group of friends to laugh and talk with, we would do rebellious things but still have fun. We would have amazing adventures. We would look at the sunset over a city and have beautiful moments, go on romantic car rides, open the window and see the blue sky on a sunny day and bop our heads to rock music and have the time of our lives. I would be a semi-emo girl who listened to cool music and wore chokers and cool clothing styles. But it never actually happened. And I was crushed by that. I'm still not totally over it.

The only thing that really happened to me as a teenager was that I went to school, did orchestra activities, and studied almost all weekend. Trust me, I wanted to have friends. I had such an imagination to do things and experience things but no one at school really felt the same as I did and I couldn't find anyone to understand me and to connect well with me. I felt so bored and alone. I had all this energy and magic and side of me waiting to be released and experienced, but the world never gave me the chance to achieve it. I wanted a friend to love. I wanted love from them. It was all a dream.

I spent hours in my bedroom wondering why this was happening to me. Why I felt this aching dropping feeling of loneliness and lack. A natural social need for all humans; to be loved and socially connected. It left a permanent mark on me to be lonely for so many years.

I don't know why I thought it would be so amazing or where this all came from. For some reason I really thought something amazing would happen. Exploring the woods, playing around, having a boy like me and I like him back, and going on adventures late at night. Being silly. It's all a dream. I hate getting my hopes up too high. I realized that it's less painful to accept the reality and the fact that it isn't my fault what happened to me. I can't control what town I grow up in and what things I go through. I can't control what generation I was born into. And to be honest, just because I think this would have happened if I had been lucky, I probably would have gone through the same teenage shit that people go through, like losing friends, getting my heart broken, being used or lied to, being gossiped by. Life isn't cool sometimes.

It helps to take the weight off your shoulders of your circumstances. You can do all you can to try to manipulate a situation, but this can only go so far. It will only help you to try to realize that certain things can't be changed, and that you have to accept things. It's not in your control, and you shouldn't feel burdened with something that isn't your fault. You deserve better than being sad. And although it's normal to feel that way, I want you to try to be happy with what is good in your life. Sometimes things don't go your way, but just understand that you are an amazing person who can find other things to do to try to be happy. There's so much out there for you that you can't even see yet. So many miracles. You're so young and you can't see all the amazing things that will happen in the future. Look forward to it.

Go do something fun that will relax you like a movie, trip, or song that you like. Meet a new friend. Eat some ice cream. Or french fries. :)

I love you, and you'll be okay. <3

Your friend,
Julia 💖